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I cannot blog and have a cold, it turns out. I am just not that talented. I can't bear to write about tissues and red eyes yet there was nothing else on my mind for the last week. I'm on the mend now so all is well.

I am also in the homestretch of time until my maternity leave starts (3/6!!). I'm dreadfully excited about it since it means more time with the kids and near constant access to the bathroom (I am pregnant, people). With Colette I had about four months of maternity leave which was great but since we were also in the process of moving cross-country and I was working on my MATESOL, it didn't leave much room for anything else.

So this coming YEAR of maternity seems absolutely rich with opportunities for working on all the things I never have time for as a full-time teacher. January has been my month for paring down the massive to-do list that I compulsively add to even when I say I want to keep it simple. I promised myself at the turn of the new year that I would focus my attention on just two core pursuits. Japanese had/has to be one of them since it goes along nicely with my promise that I would have a decent comprehension of the language by the time we renew our three year visas, which happens to be next year. So that leaves a slot for just one other thing. Writing? Drawing? Sewing? I have been struggling with this. I tried to make room for all three of them, but it made me tired and I ended up with a runny nose and a sore throat. I crossed out sewing, or at least sewing for a new shop. Meaning I crossed out a new shop too. I packed away my fabric and notions with a sad 'see you later'. They'll keep. And in March I will do some sewing for the new baby as well as back-to-school gear and some sundresses for Colette. So it isn't a complete farewell but it does clear my head.

Now to decide between drawing and writing. Writing is the likely winner but drawing for a year is very tempting. Writing is something I can do, given the time and a quiet space. Drawing is something I want to do. I want to write too but drawing is much easier to work on when surrounded by littles (see requirement above for writing). Unfortunately, it turns out that my clock only allows for 24 hours in each day and, like it or not, I need a fair amount of sleep. So I must choose wisely.

Of course, taking care of four kids is included in my calculations but at this point, mothering is like breathing or laughing. Very natural and I don't premeditate it (that much). Actively and consciously being creative is more challenging, so that is why I devote so much time and space here to consider how to do it properly.

So I will continue to consider the best course, doing both until the answer comes to me. Though, not trying to be impatient, I am hoping the answer isn't delayed as I really look forward to getting started on this gift that my little Luca has given me.

d

Growing up

When I was about my Nico's age, I declared that I would be a writer when I grew up. Specifically a poet because at that time I really got a kick out of word play. So for two plus decades I have been saddled with my own expectation of becoming a writer, like a prize winning novelist sort of writer. Being on a hiatus from grad school, I decided to finally pursue my dream. And it turns out that I have outgrown it. I don't like writing fiction. I hardly even read fiction anymore. But it has been hard to release myself from this promise of becoming a writer. What has made it easier has been rediscovering something I do like to do. I like to draw.
Now, I know I am not good or even decent but that is okay with me. And that is how I know that making and drawing is my actual path. I was never that interested in improving my writing craft but I readily accept the challenge of learning how to draw better. I find myself looking at everything with curiosity, trying to determine how I would begin to draw the fallen bicycle, the accordion covers between the subway cars.
Perhaps it has something to do with following a Buddhist path and my pursuit of mindfulness. Drawing keeps me present and aware while writing throws my mind into a daydream world that has fogged over most of my days on this planet.
I want to be here, as it is, at this moment. Poorly drawn pictures and all.

xo