At the seashore

I need the sea because it teaches me.
I don’t know if I learn music or awareness,
if it’s a single wave or its vast existence,
or only its harsh voice or its shining one,
a suggestion of fishes and ships
The fact is that until I fall asleep,
in some magnetic way I move in
the university of the waves.

-Pablo Neruda-

This I can say, we do need the sea.




As our fate unravels only to get tangled into tiresome knots, as all the petty facts of life clamber and claw over us, we need the sea to remind us of the truth. The waves do not knock down our fears or draw away our problems with the tide. We gain something greater, the reminder that we are but tiny phytoplankton with the life expectancy of just a few days.
That truth is incredibly liberating. With our perspective straightened, we are free to work on those knots and stand up under the weight of our nagging concerns.

Due Date

Well, here we are on my estimated due date, and a Friday the 13th no less. This is the day when the patience from most of those around me dwindles.  They (and by they, it is possible that I am including you in the equation) suddenly realize how long a full-term pregnancy actually is (basically 10 months) and the fact that I stubbornly continue to remain in this encumbered state is simply unacceptable.
Luckily for them (and perhaps you as well) I am patient enough for everyone. In two weeks, if Luca hasn't made his entrance into this world, then perhaps my tune will change.
For now though, I am okay. Luca is okay. Between now and two weeks, he will decide on a birthday and manage to escape his warm womb to be embraced by a family that is somewhat ready to meet him. Since this is my fourth child (for those of you who lost count) I know that a due date is not an expiration date. I also know that when he does decide to come, he will come. I even look forward to the occasion (as nuts as that might sound).

Until Luca's birthday, I will waddle through my days, filling out school forms in crummy Japanese, blowing bubbles at the park, and eating way too much ice. My hospital bags are packed, the pantry is stocked with cornflakes, ramen noodles, and rice and there is nothing left to do but enjoy these last moments before the Luca revolution begins. Based on my previous experience, I know that the change will be so radical it will soon be hard to remember a time when he wasn't in our lives. Until that occurs, I plan to savor all the moments I can with his fellow revolutionaries, those loving siblings who have so successfully scrambled my memory that I am rather sure they were with me during my youth, blowing out the candles on my own birthday cakes.





Also, a big shout-out to my mother-in-law who celebrates another year survived on this blue and green ball today. I know she is hopeful that Luca will be the most considerate of her grandkids and decide he wants to share her birthday. All I can say is that the day is young and though there is no indication he might want to be one of the rare ones who are born on their due dates, there are plenty of hours left for him to change his mind.
(And, just so grandma knows, we signed her birthday cards last week but made the mistake of trusting them in the care of her eldest son. So please look for your birthday cards a few days late but know that we  didn't forget your birthday...)
Omedetou gozaimasu! Happy Birthday!

(2)

Today was rather mellow compared with yesterday. Now that it is bedtime and we have finished another day, I do mourn its passage and make my daily vow to be more productive tomorrow. We did manage to fit in a donut run and the boys smashed many turtles into oblivion. I designed a new doll pattern and cut out the material so I have that to look forward to putting together after the boys are snug in their slumber.



As Jason and I were refereeing the troops while they ate their sugary treats, we were reflecting on our short trip to the southern Alps yesterday. Since we are nomads, any new place gets to be scrutinized as a potential home and is compared to past homes. Since Nagiso was decidedly inaka, we naturally compared it to another inaka place near to our hearts. The island came out ahead, having the ideal combination of sea and mountain. Our rose-tinted rearview mirror is quite compelling.



I only have three more days of holiday after today. Usually at the end of a long holiday I get antsy and irritated but not this time. I only have two more months of work before my maternity leave starts. These next two months will be spent getting everything in order so that I can spend my year(!) off effectively. It is definitely going to be a change for us but I think it will be a good one.

And the winner is....

We've been a rather fortunate family. No major calamities, no broken bones, no long hospital stays, no stitches. Lucky, right? I would say so. Eventually the odds are that there will be an incident that breaks that winning streak. Nico is a competitive kid, despite what his sports day photos might suggest. Since suffered the bad luck of being born second, he has done all he can do to catch up and surpass his older brother.



Today he managed what none of the rest of us have managed to do. He fell off a bicycle at school and wound up with five stitches under his chin. I know, gasp, right? I'll give you a moment to recover.

Well, five stitches may seem puny to you but for this mama, it was a rough day. Yet not so rough, in some ways. Like when Nico, the massive 5 year-old that he is, had to be held down by four nurses and one of his teachers. He was screaming his head off (and if you had seen the needle, you would have done the same) and thrashing with all his might. But those ladies did not break into a sweat or a temper. They just gently encouraged him to keep trying, that it was almost over. I remember the doctor visits in the States and the nurses there would have not been so kind. I probably would have been reprimanded for having such a violent child. So that was a blessing.

And while I didn't relish having to witness this (needles and stitches make me queasy and they were very matter of a fact about the procedure) I did feel a surge of pride as Nico battled those sweet caregivers in complete Japanese. Nauseous but proud. Blessing.

Or like how I didn't have his insurance card on me (since it happened right before preschool pick-up time and I didn't know until I arrived and the principal and teacher were waiting with bloody Nico in the car for me and Colette so we could go together...) and the doctor's office said, no problem, just bring it next time. Is that even possible in the States? Could my son receive care immediately upon entering the building and be set to go home within ten minutes, without showing proof of insurance? So, another blessing.

Looking at it from this perspective, I see that Nico didn't break our lucky streak. His minor injury just helped me to understand how strong it really is. And for that, I am truly grateful. Now, if I could just rid myself of the images of that needle, I would be near bliss.

Things I Have Learned as an Online Entrepreneur

So my digital doors have been open for a week and though I have had a few visitors, no buyers have crossed the threshold yet. During this initial downtime, I have compiled a list that I thought would be good to share with you, in case you are attempting to walk down the small business path or just like a good chuckle at how I have been stumbling around in the online marketplace for the past few days.

1. Don't set impossible goals for yourself. Especially if your goals involve your hands because, and this might come as a shock, you only have two of them. Ten fingers yes, but only two hands. And if small, nursing children are involved it is likely that there may be only one hand in the picture.

2. Don't take #1 as a challenge. It is not a challenge. There are such things as impossible goals.

3. Make and sell what you like and don't worry too much about what you think people will like. It seems that if you like something yourself, then you add that magic to it when you make it and people recognize and respond to that.

4. Renewing doesn't seem to be worth it. Just post more stuff instead.

5. Posting more stuff means experimenting more which means you will probably figure out what you like to make and sell quicker. Feel free to play around with your products and shop. Once you get more established you might not be able to do that.

6. Take advantage of the editing feature. If you feel the need to write a product description say at 1 o'clock in the morning, read it again after you wake up. Retake pictures because those visual gems become tiny little squares that pop up on the surface of the online marketplace for just a second before sinking back down into your shop.

June Sixteenth

Yikes, it seems almost two weeks were caught in a vortex and swept away. There was Sebastian's sports day, Nico's petting zoo and picnic, Nico's picnic again, rain, more rain, work, more work, and finally today, a day off and we're off again to the aquarium with one of my students.

But after we get back, when the kiddies are sleeping with the windows open and fans blowing cool air on their flushed cheeks, then that is when I will be putting the finishing touches on Gu Choki Pa, my etsy shop. I will be opening the virtual doors June 16th with slippers, sundresses, and Aki dolls. There are a lot of things that won't be in there on the opening day and this was bothering me, but then I remembered that it is my shop and I can run it the way I wish. As much as I want to make a good go of it, my available time and energy is definitely abbreviated, a reality that is far different from my expectations. Regardless, as I am often telling my kids, a little bit is better than zero so I must do what I can and be happy. Especially with handmade goods. I couldn't image making things out of linen and cotton and having my negativity stitched right into the seams. I hope to give people little packages of joy and the best way is to start with a relaxed and joyful heart in the process of creation.

I will post again about the shop as the 16th approaches. Until then, please don't mind the silence.

Plum Rain::梅雨

Tsuyu, the rainy season, has arrived in Nagoya. I am one of those rare birds that loves the rainy season. I truly do. It is such a peaceful time in Japan. It gives everyone a chance to rest before the unrelentingly oppressive summer grabs us and allows for no other conversation besides for "Atsui desu ne?" (hot, isn't it?).
With the rainy season comes my favorite flower of all, ajisai (hydrangea). Wet shoes and curly hair is surely a fair price to pay for such beauty. The literal translation of tsuyu is Plum Rain. How can you not be charmed by that?

Tsuyu love aside, I do wish that it didn't have to come so early this year. Tomorrow is the big day at immigration and because of the kindergarten schedule and the elementary school holding their sports day on Tuesday, I find that I will be taking three kids with me in the rain to plead my case. Three kids, in the rain, on the early Monday morning commuter trains. Three kids who after two solid days of rain are bursting at the seams.

The good thing is that regardless of the outcome tomorrow, I will be able to enjoy another Japanese tsuyu. Maybe after the appointment tomorrow, we'll go splash in some puddles and hunt snails.

Wish me luck!


xoxo

Growing up

When I was about my Nico's age, I declared that I would be a writer when I grew up. Specifically a poet because at that time I really got a kick out of word play. So for two plus decades I have been saddled with my own expectation of becoming a writer, like a prize winning novelist sort of writer. Being on a hiatus from grad school, I decided to finally pursue my dream. And it turns out that I have outgrown it. I don't like writing fiction. I hardly even read fiction anymore. But it has been hard to release myself from this promise of becoming a writer. What has made it easier has been rediscovering something I do like to do. I like to draw.
Now, I know I am not good or even decent but that is okay with me. And that is how I know that making and drawing is my actual path. I was never that interested in improving my writing craft but I readily accept the challenge of learning how to draw better. I find myself looking at everything with curiosity, trying to determine how I would begin to draw the fallen bicycle, the accordion covers between the subway cars.
Perhaps it has something to do with following a Buddhist path and my pursuit of mindfulness. Drawing keeps me present and aware while writing throws my mind into a daydream world that has fogged over most of my days on this planet.
I want to be here, as it is, at this moment. Poorly drawn pictures and all.

xo

Taking our lives in our own hands

Right now I am sitting on the porch with Colette, sharing a grapefruit. By sharing, I mean that I am eating the flesh and she is daintily drinking the juice from a spoon. It is a good moment. The essential chores are completed. I organized my work space. There is a sweet warm breeze moving the curtains and drying the laundry. The boys are still at school so it is quiet besides for the birds and babies cooing next door. I had anticipated sewing during the day today but have enjoyed just being home.

In fact, just being home is decidely my favorite way to be. So much so that I am now putting all my spare energy into the ambition being home on a regular basis. I have never had such a clear purpose in my life. Moving into my thirty-second year has made me realize that no one else is going to give me this, that I will have to take it into my own hands. Which is fine and the way it should be though I wonder why it never occurred to me before.

It is strange that you can feel lost in your own life but for too long, I have not recognized my surroundings. The sirens that wailed tsunami warnings served as my alarm clock and jarred me out of my confusion. I am awake now and grateful to be so. It was exhausting living a life that I did not own. Now that I am here, there is no disconnect, no daily bridge to build and cross. As much as I will continue to mourn the tragedies of the disasters that hit up north, I am also grateful for the opportunity to open my eyes upon my own life and now have the sense to live it. I am not sure who to direct this letter of gratitude to, so I will just leave it open, for everyone and everything. Thank you.